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Independence

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One of these days I’ll remember that the number of blogs correlate directly to the date and won’t have to count them all to realise which blog I’m on. Duh Kathryn!!

So, independence (not independance as I’ve been spelling it, oops!), apparently this has always been a word to describe me. My parents say that even as a kid I knew what I wanted and would often try to achieve it alone before asking for help. I’ve always acted old for my age, wise beyond my years etc. In some families such a child would be labelled precocious, in my family I was just called Gran!

As an adult, independence manifests itself in a whole host of ways, some of them good, some bad, I’m still not sure when all is said and done which would outweigh the other. The good sides, perhaps would include the desire to try, you want to make it on your own, to prove you can do it, whatever ‘it’ is. I think there are far too many people willing to give up without trying these days, who won’t give something 50% let alone 100%. Another positive though is knowing yourself, when you haven’t been influenced by others and have learned your strengths and your limits by truly trying on your own then you’re far more likely to know when to cut and run and when something is worth the fight. You live, you learn.

On the flipside independence can be lonely, the desire to want to do things alone can lead you to alienate others, to keep them at arms length. I never really believed it when people said I wasn’t an affectionate person, not that huggy or whatever, but the more I think about it the more they have a point. It takes a very special person to be (I hate this phrase) ‘allowed in’. Mostly I don’t truly ‘know’ the people around me, I don’t ask enough questions and I don’t answer ones about myself. I won’t think anything of going weeks or months without speaking to people, even family and it takes a very special person to earn an ‘I miss you’. It’s not like I’ve been through a trauma which has made me this way, it’s just how I am. I’m sure if I were to be psychoanalysed then there would be some deeply embedded reasons, I’m almost sure I could guess one or two which would make the list. But regardless of the why’s, that’s me. There have been times I’ve regretted not taking more stock of my world, asked stupid questions which lead to funny answers, generally getting to know those I consider special. Often this happens when it’s completely too late, when I missed my chance and the person is gone. When I remember these times I try to make more effort, to contact friends, spend time with family, make more memories. Sometimes it’s rewarding, sometimes not. It’s a roll of the dice.

Most of the time though I focus on examples which just prove how completely not independent I am. Times when I have desperately needed people, friends, family, all those I hold dear. I think it is times of crises which bring out the real you. Sure for a time I might retreat, take stock of the situation and decide the best course of action but when push comes to shove if I decide I need help I’ll ask for it. How can you seek help if you’re alone? You can’t, so I must be dependent on some of you!

So, independence, I honestly couldn’t tell you whether it’s a good thing or a bad thing really, just that that’s how it is. Maybe now you’ll understand more about me, maybe this blog will make some of you realise just how important you must be. If I’ve told you I miss you, rung you ‘just because’ or ever sought your help then you’re in the inner sanctum my friend, a very elite club, congratulations. But whether you see it as a high or a low I have tried to offer a balanced view; the highs and lows of this part of me 🙂 make of it what you will!

Tomorrow is another day, the dailycoaster will continue. Till then, adieu.

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One response »

  1. Missed you this evening….guess you were being independent xx

    Reply

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